Saturday, February 12, 2011

Back pain, bane of progress!

I know some of us, if not all of us have experienced bad back pain, the kind that no matter what you do hurts a hell of a lot.
Now, instead of complaining about "boo hoo my back hurts" think about all the things that haven't been accomplished BECAUSE of back pain.
For example, if penguins did not get back pain they may have been able to actually build buildings so we could have proof of their civilization! Back pain is hard to diagnose, wasting valuable time of doctor's and the patients they are treating. If people did not experience back pain they could be writing the next great literary work or working on getting our beloved penguins over here in Canada!
Although, back pain isn't all bad. It allows capitalistic organizations such as whoever owns Tylenol and Robax Platinum to make a killing by over charging on a combination of standard pain killers and muscle relaxants! I mean seriously, if it wasn't for the muscle relaxants the pills would be kind of useless, and there's no way 18 capsules of standard pain medicine and muscle relaxants costs 10 bucks more than 50-80 caplets of normal pain killers!
Now, if penguins had not been burdened with back pain they would be part of our society. Penguins are very fair business people and would more than likely happily sell us their pain killers for a modest profit.
I say we pull a Doc. Brown, turn a Delorian into a time machine and introduce early-era penguins to Tylenol back pain pills. Not only would it help get our beloved penguins into our society where they belong, but it would also make pain relief affordable.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Penguin Society

The following images are proof that penguins had some form of society.

The warrior class:

The civilian class:

Those were just a few examples of penguin society before it was brutally destroyed, leaving penguins so utterly devastated they would never rise again.
Now, imagine if things hadn't turned out this way, penguins would be at least as advanced as humans. Could you imagine a cute little penguin as your boss or serving you your morning beverage at Tim Hortons? I certainly can.
Now, who do we have to blame that the world is not like this? You probably guessed it, squirrels, and humans unknowingly helped. With cartoons like Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers and Pingu, chipmunks were seen as awesome and cool, while penguins were seen as animals that live in the North, secluded and mostly uncivilized.
Penguins were about to come to us with the truth and try and form a unity of our two races, but alas they were so embarrassed they exiled themselves from any form of society. And all because some stupid squirrels decided to tell people to make a cartoon.
You may be thinking to yourself "Chip and Dale was about chipmunks, not squirrels!" Well there is one simple, reasonable explanation, they are both rodents, therefore very similar, squirrels thought it would be very clever to avoid blame (us knowing they hate the penguins!) and make chipmunks have the spotlight. Since they are both similar squirrels would share a small portion of the spotlight from children who don't know the difference.
Now, years later we may bask in our ignorance and penguins (having a shorter lifespan than us) have already worked their society out of their culture and have become what we have envisioned them to be. Simple uncivilized creatures with (like squirrels and most animals) no place in our modern society...boy are we wrong!
Just remember now, if you ever find yourself fortunate enough to be able to communicate with a penguin somehow, they are delicate creatures emotionally. I would honestly rather see us build a nice friendship with a penguin nation if we had the chance than ruin it once more.

I am back.

I am back, and do you think I forgot about our friends the penguins? Hell no! I'll admit, the resistance against the squirrels is too small to make any difference at current but don't give up!
Maybe in the meantime we could all investigate getting pet penguins? Imagine just how much easier it would be to get a date when she sees your place a complete mess, is about to leave then notices a cute little penguin. She would fall right into your arms!
Also remember that penguins are birds, if you have a pet lion or any other large cat they won't co-exist very well, but penguins are big enough to handle your standard household cat with a good slap to the face!
Always keep in mind, penguins are our dear friends, anyone who hates penguins should be shunned.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Cowboys and Indians

Back when all the old people were kids, they played cowboys and Indians. Basically a version of cops and robbers I guess, never really got the difference other than the racism. In any western movie you watch cowboys and Indians didn't get along to well. Now it wasn't exactly like the movies but it is at least a little bit true. So why would the Indians want to dress up like cowboys? That would be like an American dressing up as an Iraqi and walking down the street. Well maybe not that extreme lets say Russian because it's not a current enemy. Still though, if there is something that is thought to be the opposite of your people why would you want to be that. Are these people abandoning their own heritage? If so why are they blaming it on us? I think we all need to take a break from being what we're not and go to a zoo and see some penguins.

Recession and coffee shops

Lets face it, recession is here, we can all feel it. My town is particularity hit right now, a lot of people work in mills which are shutting down and a lot of people have been laid off. I personally am not really effected because I work at Tim Hortons. It is our annual contest, Roll up the rim to win. Now explain to me, how in the hell can this year be as busy as last year when there is no money? Personally instead of paying 1.53 for a coffee, I would go home and brew a pot using probably less than 1.53 worth of coffee and have a whole pot. Even if I only drank one cup and threw the rest out I would still be saving myself money. People cut back on eating out, but why not on drinking out? they spend just as much proportinally as they do on eating out.

Leprechauns, Irelands penguin enemy

There are no squirrels in Ireland which leads me to believe it is the leprechauns who are at fault for no penguins there. We need to make sure we contain the leprechauns in Ireland for leprechauns deserve to live just as much as penguins. Ireland will therefore be declared a leprechaun safe zone, any leprechaun found outside of Ireland will be immediately transported back to Ireland. It is the only way to keep our cute little penguin friends safe from the Leprechauns. In order to execute this plan, we need to find all leprechauns and tag them with trackers. If they leave Ireland it will then be easy to find them and bring them back.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Squirrels, penguin menace!

There is a problem facing our plan to see cute little penguins other than the weather, SQUIRRELS! These furry little rodents are everywhere and own everything they would never let our cute little friends here. Why do you think the penguins were driven to the cold in the first place? We must take action, everyone go out and buy a slingshot or BB gun, we must bring their tyrannical reign to an end! People have done this in other parts of the world and the penguins re-took certain tropical regions of the world. But we must be wary there are other furry rodents out there wanting to take control…if they do the world will be a never ending Hamster Dance Song! Penguins must rule the animal kingdom or we have failed!